You Know What? I'm a Chicken Fried.

Gretch the Wretch found herself a no foolin, 100% wanna be cat guy. So proud. Would it have occured to me to replace the words "down down down..." in this song with "mow mow mow..."? No, it would have not. I am not that awesome. It is nice to have a higher level of perfection to finally shoot for.

Also, Gretchen, the lyrics to a song title DJ Got Us Falling In Love are not "didya got us falling in love again." Don't worry, we all make mistakes, I'm still looking for you lying like a penny in the pocket line.

Also...ever wondered how long it takes to fill the cat lady's bathtub? About thirty seconds longer than it takes to write a blog post....phew, that was a close one.

Your One Stop Olive and Cat Hair Shop

Perhaps cleaning out the fridge should have happened sooner. Found the second jar while chewing on the contents of the first and looking for other late night snacks. Insomnia is fun. I sit at my desk and can think of nothing but napping all day...sun goes down? Nothin. Convenient, that is when Gordon is at his best too. I'm turning more into a cat with every passing day.

This is pretty much what we did with our evening:

The cat lady was avoiding studying because she cannot possibly memorize another notecard regarding Canadian insurance taxation laws without getting violently ill. Or at least falling asleep. Which she already did once tonight. Sitting up, Jitterbug style. Turning more and more into a cat everyday. Might need to start monitoring razor usage. And that incessant need to lick myself. Can't wait to chase my own tail...

Free To Good Home: Two Sticks of Unopened Butter

Apparently the cat lady has reached epic amounts of crazy and is no longer an acceptable person to hang out with. We've all heard the gotta work, my hair needs washing, need to do laundry, live halfway around the world, car broke down, too tired from sitting on the couch all day, can't afford gas, hate your cats, you smell funny, my friends are in town and can't stand you typical excuses. But helping someone move over hanging out with the cat lady? That's a new one. Anyway, as a result of all of this, the cat lady had to make her own dinner tonight and turned to the staple that is sour cream and chicken enchiladas. For a few months now her enchiladas have been tasting a little funny and tonight she discovered why. Turns out her butter expired. In early March. So this is why the cat lady is laying on the couch slowly sipping water trying to get the rancid butter taste out of her mouth trying not to think about how many things she has used that butter in. As a result of this and other recent blunders, the list of reasons to not hang out with the cat lady needs to be expanded to include the following:

makes food that tastes like trash and uses ingredients not acceptable for human or feline consumption.

If you want to hang out, I'm sorry, but I'll be too busy trying not to horf while cleaning out the fridge. I hear Jitterbug is available though.

Tonight's Menu: Steaming Hot Garbage

You can stop staying tuned. Mr. Fishy not only smelled like trash, but he tasted like it too. From this picture kind of looks like it as well. The cat lady no longer trusts recipes from Take Home Chef. This wouldn't be an issue if someone would just invent smellevision already. Even this guy couldn't be bothered to come check it out.

Next up: chile rellenos?

Here fishy, fishy

Isn't he cute??? Stay tuned...

Feline Torture

Sorry Kenny

Again country music has gotten it all wrong.

Cats and tequila make me crazy. Run like poison in my blood. One more cat could kill me baby. One is one too many. One more is never enough. When it comes to cats, all the damage I could do. Its always your favorite sins. That do you in.

Sweet Revenge

Remember the little peach of a downstairs neighbor? Turns out a Jitterbug never forgets.

We will remove the evidence at night fall. For now we hide. Perhaps at Starbucks.

Reason #475 Why Monday Needs To Be Outlawed

Alternate title: Let's All Pee On The Patio

This morning while walking from her car into work the cat lady passed a quite pleased, clearly intoxicated man who was singing and dancing and having a jolly good time. Last night must have been stellar. The cat lady gets a few feet ahead and hears "do-bi-da-do-whop-SEX!" I love this town. Walk faster....

Things had started to look up when on the way home the cat lady's gas light came on. She pulled into her handy neighborhood gas station and was immediately hit on. By the guy with the beater car, moldy teeth, wife beater....you get the picture. Winner, top shelf dating material. His first line? "Do you know anyone who is hiring? I got laid off two weeks ago." Wow, tell me more about yourself. Combine the slowest pump in the history of gaseous substances with a beater car that won't start and what you have is pretty much the best conversation ever. And apparently my Camry looks like a Kia. Our children will be so cute.

The cat lady burns rubber out of the gas station, hurries home to the sanctity of her humble abode to discover that her plants are wilting. Apparently sitting on the couch this weekend left little time for watering. Tragic. Cannot let the spinach die, how will Jitterbug sustain her girlish figure? The cat lady begins the watering process, gets a little excited because its past 7:00 and she has yet to begin preparing fourth meal. This excitement leads to a little spill. Minor spill. Its only water. And it doesn't land on anything on the patio below. You would not think this was the case because the drama that followed was EPIC. Pure class. Worthy of retaliation with a little amonia smelling cat pee rainstorm. Downstairs neighbor's not so friendly, not so cat lady loving girlfriend decides that this is worth getting off the couch, opening the door, coming outside and yelling at the cat lady. Polite. Such a lovely girl. She'll look great some day in a wife beater and a Kia.

Monday rules.

Must Sneek in Snacks and Cats

Blowout

Gordon was feeling a little down in the dumps today. I think it has something to do with overcast skies and a serious lack of fresh catnip. Poor guy just needed a little reminder that we all have bad days. Some so bad that they need to be shared with the entire internet. With permission of course.

Thanks G the W. Perhaps its time to layoff the oreo balls and share them with me for once? Nice ass, by the way.

Tub Thumping

I'm contemplating rewritting some lyrics.... I take her out, but she gets in again. I'm never gonna keep her out.

If you see me today and I smell kinda funny it's because there was a feline hogging the tub this morning.
Until later, I'm off to drink a lager drink or perhaps a cider drink.

The Big 0-6

Happy Birthday, Jittybugs!!!!!!!!!

Because it's your birthday and you have to keep up your strength to fight The Gord I guess I will let you eat my spinach plant. Take all you want, I think I'm done with it. Leave your leftovers on the carpet. Thanks.

Jitterbug decided that for her birthday she wanted to hang out on the couch and chase the occasional bug. The cat lady is all up for lazy, but that's just a little too lazy so we decided to have game night. And presents.

Are we surprised someone has birthday jealousy issues??

We started with a rousing game of Cathello.

Next is Jitterbug's favorite - Cattergories.

We were gonna play a few others and have some ice cream but then this happened:

Maybe later we'll continue. I hear a short cat nap does wonders for the party bone. And we all know the party bone's connected to the stayin' out all night long.

Amateur

An online dating video from a self proclaimed cat lover. Things like this disgust us true cat lovers. How do I know she is a fake? First of all, cat ladies do not love to run. They love to bask in the sun and ignore the world. Second, do you see a single piece of cat hair on her? Third, she mentions their whiskers and noses....but she fails to mention the fact that cats don't just have any kind of nose. It's a cold wet nose. Details are important here, people! And nevermind that it takes her a good twenty seconds to stop saying "um" and get out reason number one. A true cat lady could come up with 100 reasons why she loves cats in just as many seconds. Trust me. I'm a cat lady, I would know.

Trash or Toilet?

Fun snippets from Cat Lady-dom on this fine Monday evening.....

1. Today was park the crazy bus on the cat lady's side of town day. Fellow parkgoers at lunchtime included an ankle monitor wearing middle aged woman, a homeless man looking for a light that smelled as though he would explode in a bourbon scented ball of fire if he found one and a creeper on a bicycle who kept doing the over the sunglasses check out the cute girl thing.

Oh yes, my friends....I cut my lunch hour short. Very short.

2. Pretty sure my across the lawn neighbor is pulling the creeper act right now. Dude, you have a girlfriend, stop staring. And put on a shirt.

3. Medicare bid season is over...the cat lady can return to normal life. Until actuarial exam studying season starts. Which is pretty much tomorrow so that's awesome.

4. The cat lady went swimsuit shopping today and tried on just about everything in the store. Turns out I have the wrong combination of assets. In order to find a suit that works one must have no butt and large boobs. I must have missed that day of orientation. I tried to upload a pic of all the suits I tried on. Its impressive...but blogger won't let me. That's how many there were.

5. Creeper dude just belched. Cute.

6. Stopped off at Walgreens today to pick up the cheese and cotton balls I missed at the grocery store this weekend. Conversation with the checker went like this:

Checker: "That's an interesting combination of items."

Cat Lady: "And clearly its all going into the same dish."

Checker: "Well you know everything you buy either ends up in the toilet or the trash."

Good to know, thanks for that one, buddy. So really....glad I didn't buy a bathing suit since I was just going to flush it and end up with a myriad of plumbing problems.

Ice Cold Beer? Where? In the Console?

It's been a slow blog week here at Cat Lady Chronicles.

Probably cause I'm chillin' on a dirt road, laid back swervin' like I'm George Jones.

And I apologize for that.

Okay, not really. Cat Lady has been busy and is counting down until things at work slow down. June 6th...midnight....that's our deadline. Gordon and I can hardly wait. 28 hours of work in the last two days leaves little time for cats. Or meals. Or showering. But...did have time to take a break for tornado warnings. Good times. Its been the best week EVER in Cat Lady land.

Auntie Em, Auntie Em!

So these's thunderstorms, what do you reckon? Pretty amazing. Or so I have been told. After every line passes. By my father. Who is 6 hours away and way too into the weather. When I told him I had a full proof warning system he didnt believe me. Hence the multiple calls. Here's how it works....

level 1: thunder in the distance and light breeze

Cats come in off of the patio

level 2: lightening and nearby thunder

Jitterbug hides under the bed

level 3: downpour

Gordon runs soaking wet from his post at the patio door

level 4: Hurricane force winds and general mayhem

Gordon runs from room to room like an idiot

level 5: Impending hurricane/tornado/general doom

Gordon has given up all hope and joined Jitterbug under the bed. It is always shortly after this that the cat lady finds herself hiding in the bathroom...cause there's no more room under the bed. We've only reached this level once. Today. Seems to be a pretty common occurence this spring. Third floor apartment? Excellent choice, cat lady, excellent choice.

And now I must go, we are at level 2. Jitterbug just retreated.

Teats What Its All About

This week needed to end with a massage. A good, ol' fashioned one hour rub down. Its been one of those weeks.... The cat lady had a fun run in with technology today. Not quite sure why she needs technology anyway. Things around here are pretty simple:

Cat food in, cat food out.

Water runs, cat runs.

Warm lap, cat jumps in lap.

Anyway, as previously discussed there's this whole CLAGNSDAGTWTFF thing. And occasionally when the cat lady is at this so called "job" thing she has to do this thing called "work." So today the cat lady was messing around with this fancy email stuff. Particularly the spell check function. Thats a fun invention isn't it? Speaking of "thats"....apparently when you get a little click happy and pick the second suggestion option you get "teats" instead of "that's." And teats ladies and gents is why the cat lady sent out an email saying "Incidently, teats is the only one that didn't cause any errors." Teats indeed. Gordon has 8. Jitterbug too. Incidently, they've never had an errors with their teats either. Whatever that means.

Summer Livin' Cat Lady Style

The cat lady has been trying to get this post up for almost a week now but we had this little thing called the second coming of winter. So the cat lady and associated felines have spent the better part of a week huddled under a pile of blankets trying to tell ourselves we were having a good time. None of us are were convinced. Anyway.

In a continuing effort to make those not leading the cat lady lifestyle jealous, here's where we will be spending our summer:
The cat lady will be reading fantastic literature. Otherwise known as the entire Harry Potter series. Again. Gordon will be terrorizing the neighbors. And Jitterbug? Well, she will be trying to eat the cat lady's plants and then purging on the living room carpet. Guaranteed a good time will be had by all.

And that ass print in the chair? May have occured during the heavily stressful testing of this setup. But that's still under review.

Official Notification

Yesterday, May12, 3:42 PM it became official. This cat lady is officially The Cat Lady.

Here's how it went down: The cat lady is at the doctor. Not her normal doctor so they are running down the list of oh-so-fun questions that no one really cares about.

OR SO YOU THOUGHT.

The last question: "So you're married?"

Cat Lady: "No, I'm single."

Dr: "Oh yes, I see right here in your records. Single with 2 cats."

And then she shows me.

Right there in electronic, larger than life print: "Marital Status: Single, 2 cats"

Apparently my uncaffinated, half asleep 8AM response at my first appointment to "So your single and dont have any roommates?" warranted documetation. Thanks, PCP. I really want that one to go down in electronic medical records history.

The Pump

There once was a threesome involving Gordy

Jitterbug and Pumpkin the cat too

It went swimmingly until about day forty

When big mean scary kitty caught Pump in the loo

Gordon did not know this orange fluff of a feline

For he had been locked in the guest room for many weeks

But given the chance he made a beeline

Out the door and down the stairs to visit the freaks

The realization of a third mow was rough

It was an orange cat conspiracy only known by two

The fallout involved lots of hissing related stuff

And that, dear readers, is why the cat lady had to move to the Lou'

Vacay 2011

Imagine the happiest place on Earth. Now take out Mickey. And Minnie. And add cats. What do you have? The happiest place in the universe, obviously. Or at least the second happiest place on Earth. Behold, my friends....HARMONY LAND!http://www.sanrio.co.jp/english/harmony/harmony.html

Plane tickets are a little steep right now. But only 2800 yen to get in?! That's a steal!

I bet the gift shops are fantastic too.

Derby 137

The Kentucky Derby is tonight. Officially, we don't care. Unofficially, however, now thats a different story. My money is on Stay Thirsty and I heard a rumor that a couple of felines were making bets on Derby Kitten. About time they introduce something worthwhile into horse racing....all part of Cat Lady & Co's plan to take over the world one feline at a time. Until next time, Stay thirsty, my friends.

The Cat Lady Returns

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!! The cat lady would like to officially like to apologize for her extended absence. She has been dealing with what we will call "Cat Lady Ain't Got No Sugar Daddy And Gots To Work To Feed Felines." or CLAGNSDAGTWTFF. And yes, the WTF in that has multiple meanings. Anyway, the cat lady has only been home for a few hours each night. Not enough time to do more than pacify Gordon and get the few hours of sleep she needs to not turn into a troll. Anyway. Enough about CLAGNSDAGTWTFF. For now. This is actually the second post. Blogger got confused by the awesomeness that was the first. That will not be happening again.

Recent developments in cat-lady-dom:

1. The cat lady finally unpacked the last box. Only took ten months. Sad really because that box was serving a very valuable purpose by blocking headlights from shinning through the window. Now Jitterbug has returned to body slamming the side of the bed to try to catch them every night. Poor cat can't get a moments rest.

2. Winter may finally be over. The cat lady only had to scrape ice off her charriot one morning this week. In celebration she bought a lounge chair for her patio. The locals look at her strange out there in layers with a blanket. They can suck it.

3. The cat lady heard rumors of people making margaritas with bourbon for the Kentucky Derby. She must remove herself from this foreign land ASAP.

4. In celebration of her day off the cat lady tried to schedule a massage. She was unsuccessful. She finds it hard to believe that a town this size doesn't have enough rub specialists for all of the mothers and one very needy cat lady. She plans to spend tomorrow camped outside the spa, credit card in hand, tears streaming. She is not above begging and bribery.

5. This is the most boring post ever.

6. Cat lady can't get enough of this future Mr. Cat Lady:

Jitterbug in Commercial Form

Msg From Gordon

meow

meow

MEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW

cat lady

meow
wroking

mmmmmmmmeeeoooowwwwww meow

I mean

meeoooowwww

working

HATES ME meow

never mmmmeeeeeeooooooooooooooooowwww

comes

home.

Here Little Girl, Wanna Pet My Kitten?

"Is there any way I can get you to take a ride around the park on my bike with me?"

And with those words the cat lady almost choked.

Because apparently he couldn't read the "Fuck Off" stamped across her face.

Or in this case her butt because he came up from behind. On his motorcycle.

With his long unwashed hair blowing in the wind.

All while the cat lady was at the park, trying to get her sweat on. Oh my.

first thought:

No, you aren't wearing a helmet and don't seem to have a spare.

second thought:

Seriously, helmet is your first thought?

third thought:

This is how you get your girls?!

fourth thought:

I wonder if the cat lady equivalent of creepy dude luring kids to his van with candy would be creepy biker with a kitten.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why the cat lady is sitting on the couch working on her third ding dong and has vowed to never exercise again.

Cat Ladies Are In

Yeah, no shit, Glamour. Tell me something I don't already know.

Identity Theft

Bracket Schmracket

Gordon wants a redo.

Turns out some of those teams with lame mascots cheated.

Who would let a dog into the final four?

Especially a lame squatty looking one.

Anyway. Moving on.

Gordon is currently accepting bids for his services.

His mascot services to be more precise.

Wildcat, Bobcat or House Cat?

You decide.

No One Wants To Be THAT Girl

So I'm sitting at work today minding my own business, keeping my cat ladyness to myself when I get this email. "Do you have a cat carrier I can borrow?"

Well, yes I do, but um.....?

Said email came from someone I don't know very well. Someone I have never spoken to about Gordy and Jitty-mow. In response to the confirmation that yes, I do own one, and yes he is welcome to borrow it I get: "So are you a former or a current cat owner?"

So. The question becomes; did someone tell on me or do I just have that look??

Or worse yet, that smell?

This is serious business people. I am concerneed.

Take Me To Your Canned Leader

Sometimes the cat lady feeds the kittens canned cat food just to see the excitement on their faces. And because then they continue to run when she opens any kind of can. And that makes her feel loved. Don't judge. They recognize both the can opener noise and the little handy dandy top. That's at least third grade smart.

In other news....it snowed last night. Jitterbug was pleased to have one last snowflake chase until next winter. Serious lack of cats in the snow pictures because my camera battery decided to die right at the height of cuteness. But yes, the cats went out in the snow while I watched from the couch. I don't have to test the stuff...I know its still cold.

Partyin' Like It's 2005!

It was the party to which all future parties will be compared.

We pulled out all the stops. Because its not every day that Gordon King of All Awesome Cats turns 6 whole years old.

There were blind-folded games

And cute Jitty mow friends.

A "How many hats can you balance on the Gord?" contest

And cake. Of course.

Served on fine Hello Kitty china. Of course.

CELEBRATE!

It's somebody's birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Birthday party pics are on their way. Eventually.

Gordon is currently celebrating by chasing Jitterbug.

She is not pleased.

And now. In the tradition that is horrible blogs.

The annual "about you" section.

Yep. Gonna happen. Brace yourself.

Gordon, at 6 years old you:

Weigh: more than you should, last time we were at the vet she called you "obese". That was after she had to knock you out with some tranquilizers because you went ape shit on the place. I would have too, smelled like dog pee up in there.

Eat: Everything. All the time. And you like it fresh from the bag. None of that kibble that has been sitting out for a few hours.

Sleep: All day, Everyday. Anywhere and everywhere.

Love: Your bestest friend, Jittybugs.

Wear: Well nothing. That would be weird.

Gordon has decided that to end the night he would like to give himself a pedicure.

Pretty much how I spent my birthday.

Like cat, like cat lady.

Cutest Baby Mow. EVER.

Fashion DISASTER

The cat lady didnt want to go to the store wearing this:

So she threw on a couple of layers. Wasn't until she was wandering around the very bright, fairly full aisles of Walgreens she realized she had put together this:

Improvement? I think not.

No more late night trips here....

March Madness

Gordon worked on his bracket all day today. He has Clemson going all the way. The cat lady wasn't so sure, but he had a solid strategy. It went something like this....buffalo always lose, as do birds, as well as any stupid mascots. It is going to come down to a battle of the big cats!

How did Uggs get so ugly?

No, not the shoes. Those require no explanation; ugly but oh so fabulous.

Turns out some cats are not blessed with the cuteness that is Jittybugs.

Oh, and don't watch this video while eating...

WTF- World's Ugliest Cat

Its Plenty Warm Inside

Some days living with Gordon is like living with a guy. A human guy. He doesn't clean up his messes, takes up more than his fair share of the bed and whines for me to get out of the bathroom in the morning. I'm not even going to mention the blowing the lid off of the kitty litter box habit. Oh wait, just did. But last night was the night of all nights. The cat de resistance, if you will. Last night Gordon left the freezer door open. all night. ALL NIGHT.

ALL NIGHT!

And so this weekend Jitterbug and I will be feasting on the wide array of foods that Gordon so thoughtfully defrosted for us. She even suggested we throw a party.

All are welcome. Starts Friday at 5pm.

Menu includes meatloaf, tacos, defrosted frozen bread dough, melted popsicles in a wide variety of flavors, raw beef, homemade chili, and defrosted mango chunks.

God Bless the Internet

Today just keeps getting better and better. The cat lady loves her some crazy Japanese stuff.

http://www.japantrendshop.com/nyantomo-kitten-hot-water-bottle-p-206.html

http://www.japantrendshop.com/pee-without-noise-stool-p-558.html

http://www.japantrendshop.com/pet-emergency-evacuation-jacket-p-694.html

http://www.japantrendshop.com/towel-cake-set-from-le-patissier-p-250.html

And Gordy would like to remind everyone that he has a birthday coming up:

http://www.japantrendshop.com/maid-lap-pillow-p-814.html

http://www.japantrendshop.com/shocking-sick-puppy-p-309.html

Heaven On Earth

I believe its time for the cat lady to take a vacay.

http://green.yahoo.com/blog/guest_bloggers/69/man-builds-cat-sized-village-for-homeless-cats.html

Deep Thoughts by the Cat Lady

And now Deep Thoughts by the Cat Lady

1. Why haven't the makers of Midol and the good folks at Hersheys gotten together to make one kick-ass Midol-laced chocolate confection?

2. If Gordon is laying in the bathtub does that mean that he is secretly ready for his annual cleanse?

3. How many boxes of girl scout cookies does one have to eat in order to actually turn into a girl scout?

4. You want it all WHERE?!

http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/clearance/juniors1/intimatessleep/PRD~716750/St+Eve+I+Want+It+All+Boyshorts.jsp

5. Why are the Mavs like the worst sporting franchise ever?

6. Do we love or do we love these pants?

http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/clearance/womens1/sleepwear/PRD~793721/Hello+Kitty+Oui+Oui+Paris+Pajama+Set.jsp

7. If the cat lady always saves money while internet shopping by leaving her wallet in the other room wouldnt it make sense to leave her wallet in the car during actual shopping?

8. How is it possible for Jitterbug to be so cute and not have overdosed on cuteness serum?

9. If the cat lady doesn't go to work tomorrow will anyone notice?

10. Pretty sure Gordon would make a great lead cat on the Cat Lady's cat sled team.

http://www.iditarod.com/

A Cat Lady's Gotta Eat

The cat lady is too lazy to blog tonight. Making meatloaf and shredded taco meat will do that to a girl. Plus that whole getting out of bed and showering on a Saturday thing is way too much work.

But. Lazyness aside. Oh my goodness, look at the site I just found:

http://www.skinnytaste.com/

Do you not want to try all of those recipes? I mean...assuming substitutions were made to replace all of the fat-free ingredients with fat-full.

Solitary Confinement

Following the day the cat lady left town

Jitterbug tried to hold the fort down

but when that didnt work

and she was sick of the jerk

she locked herself in the laundry room

all the while meowing "lack of litter will be your doom"

But the cat lady has reason to celebrate

because Gordon didn't urinate (much)

he now wont let her out of his sight

and is trying with all his 18 pounds of might

to permanently hold down the pretty pink suitcase

because without the cat lady won't leave home base

I'm Meeeeeeeelting!

What do you get when you combine a wind tunnel, pouring rain and a cat lady?

.

.

.

.

.

.

A bitchin' hairdo.

Cats and cat ladies alike don't much care for water.

Score!

There are few things the cat lady likes more than a totally awesome, over the top sale. Which is why she has been skimping on conditioner for two weeks waiting for today's sale. 100 bucks of product for 30?! Including tax. Um, hells yes.

Snuggle Time!

Bloomage and Such

So....either Jittybugs has a secret admirer or these went the wrong address....thoughts?

Time for the Electronic Babysitter

The cat lady is too tired to blog so here is a video that pretty much proves Jitterbug sneaks out at night to travel.

Overdose.

Remember how cute this was?!?!

Well.


Turns out that it is possible to overdose. In pot.

Yes, behind furniture is where the cat lady stores all the pictures she is too lazy to hang. And yes, that would be almost every picture she owns.

You know the little sticker on every vacuum that says it has excellent suckage power along the edge? It lies. The deposit not returned upon move out is coming from Gordon's allowance.