Over the years the cat lady has completed extensive research regarding the relationship of cats to various aspects of the world. She has determined that everything can be reduced to two elements: cats and math. Behold, ladies and gentlemen, an introduction to a world unlike any you have ever met. Welcome to the crazy world of the cat lady's head and the results of 27 years of study. Forget all you previously understood and believed about the world and ponder the following four questions and ideas:
1. What is the chance that a highly rated musical album will sell well?
This has little to do with the artist, radio play or the economy in general. In fact, an album's sales are clearly related to the cat lady's ability to rearrange the lyrics to something more appropriate. Which is almost always something about cats. For example, Prince's 3121, one of the highest rated yet worst selling albums of all time. Listen to it, you will understand, nothing can be changed to be about Jittybugs. Tragic. Prince should have consulted the cat lady prior to the album's release to understand that:
Album Sales = crap factor * cat translation factor + 46.2859 - pounds of food consumed by Gordon in the past month
Just wait for the cat lady's version of Katy Perry's "Firework" or as it will be more commonly known: "Gordon is a big fat jerk." You will understand.
2. Should I buy the polka dotted dress or the striped?
Not based on the much believed function of "does this make me look fat?" No, one must always buy the garment least likely to show cat hair. And to have more successful future shopping experiences always remember the following:
Cat Hair Factor = fibers per inch + price * number of cat hairs per jitterbug / 100000
3. National GDP
For many years economists have tried to convince us that
GDP = gross consumption + government spending + gross investment + (exports - imports)
For many years the cat lady believed this to be true, but this was while when she was just a lowly econ major. Now she is an econ majoring cat lady. Obviously a superior being.
GDP can be reduced to a much simpler equation. Consider the following:
GDP = Number of rabies shots supplied to cats in the previous year * number of straws Gordon has hidden under the rug - number of mousey toys collected by Jitty + 46.3409
4. Average Expected Annual Temperature in Cat Lady-dom
Forget all you know about weather patterns, past temperatures and the rumor that is global warming. The average temp in cat lady-dom can be calculated using:
Avg Temp = cat lady's proprietary boof factor * cats per mile + time of sunrise * purrs per million
Next time: weight, gravity, Sir Isaac Newton and the falsity that the strength of the Earth's gravitational field is 9.8 meters per second squared.
More like 24.6 falling Gordons per second squared.
1. What is the chance that a highly rated musical album will sell well?
This has little to do with the artist, radio play or the economy in general. In fact, an album's sales are clearly related to the cat lady's ability to rearrange the lyrics to something more appropriate. Which is almost always something about cats. For example, Prince's 3121, one of the highest rated yet worst selling albums of all time. Listen to it, you will understand, nothing can be changed to be about Jittybugs. Tragic. Prince should have consulted the cat lady prior to the album's release to understand that:
Album Sales = crap factor * cat translation factor + 46.2859 - pounds of food consumed by Gordon in the past month
Just wait for the cat lady's version of Katy Perry's "Firework" or as it will be more commonly known: "Gordon is a big fat jerk." You will understand.
2. Should I buy the polka dotted dress or the striped?
Not based on the much believed function of "does this make me look fat?" No, one must always buy the garment least likely to show cat hair. And to have more successful future shopping experiences always remember the following:
Cat Hair Factor = fibers per inch + price * number of cat hairs per jitterbug / 100000
3. National GDP
For many years economists have tried to convince us that
GDP = gross consumption + government spending + gross investment + (exports - imports)
For many years the cat lady believed this to be true, but this was while when she was just a lowly econ major. Now she is an econ majoring cat lady. Obviously a superior being.
GDP can be reduced to a much simpler equation. Consider the following:
GDP = Number of rabies shots supplied to cats in the previous year * number of straws Gordon has hidden under the rug - number of mousey toys collected by Jitty + 46.3409
4. Average Expected Annual Temperature in Cat Lady-dom
Forget all you know about weather patterns, past temperatures and the rumor that is global warming. The average temp in cat lady-dom can be calculated using:
Avg Temp = cat lady's proprietary boof factor * cats per mile + time of sunrise * purrs per million
Next time: weight, gravity, Sir Isaac Newton and the falsity that the strength of the Earth's gravitational field is 9.8 meters per second squared.
More like 24.6 falling Gordons per second squared.
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